What About You? Do You Like Me?
All through school I was a massive brown-noser. Every adult I saw I was smiling and chatty, trying to get any bit of kindness out of them. Most teachers let me stay late after school and hang out and help them clean their room and grade papers. They would give me treats. My report cards all say exceptional for effort. The janitor, now there is someone that can roam the halls and make clear observations. She must have seen how my peers left me out and how I looked neglected. She left a birthday gift in my classroom at least three years in a row. WOW! One year, my name, carved in wood.
I Wonder What It Is Like to Be Like You.
Since my parents were not in wedded bliss, I did not spend a ton of time with my paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. There were a bunch of them and a lot of them were my age-ish. ‘They’ were all very close. Vacation at a family cabin. Family birthday parties. Lots of gatherings and get togethers that my sister and I were not invited to. We lived in the same town with most of them. They could have called or asked. It would have been nice to have a normal familial relationship. To experience what a normal family dynamic acted like. To be close to my cousins like they are together. To feel loved by one of them being so close.
Positive Reinforcement and Reciprocated Love, I Am a Lucky Girl!
I was fourteen when my grandfather died. My grandmother didn’t want to be alone, so one of my cousins and I took turns staying with her. I loved it. Getting to know my grandma so much better. Having her all to myself. Being able to be supportive and do whatever she needed. I was used to doing chores and anticipating the needs of others, so it was good for both of us. I felt loved and wanted, she felt cared for. Win Win.
Can I Fluff Your Pillow or Get You a Cup of Tea?
I loved my grandma and never stopped wanting to take care of her. As she aged and moved into a senior center, Alyssa and I would visit her, take her shopping, take her to lunch or bring her lunch. If she called me crying, I would leave work or drop whatever I was doing and run over to her to comfort her. Except cut her toenails. I drew the line there. My dad was a momma’s boy and he cut her toenails so if she needed that I sent him over. But otherwise, I would do anything else.
You Have Everything Else, Why Do you Need This Too?
One of my aunts called me up and was not happy with me being at my grandmother’s beck and call at all times. It was setting a bad precedent for the rest of the family. She said I was ‘babying her’. Making her think that people needed to jump up and run over there at any minute. I was dumbstruck. I was grateful every single time she picked me as the one she chose to call. I was the one she wanted to see. I never got picked by anyone. I was never the one anyone chose, and she wanted to take that away from me too?
Wait. What?
I did continue to take care of my grandma. It did continue to cause a rift in the family. I left coloring books and crayons for my daughter there that my grandma wouldn’t let any of my other cousins use. My grandma would proclaim my saintliness to all those that visited. How much I did for her and how much she loved me and appreciated me for it. Yes, I get that rubbed them the wrong way. She was probably thinking if they don’t like it step up your game. That isn’t what happened. I-got-shut-out.
Merry F’ing Christmas.
I do believe that Christmas eve, about 1998, was the last straw. We were all to gather at the senior center on Christmas eve with my grandma for dinner. My cousin, that I graduated with, stopped by early to introduce her fiancé and let grandma know that she couldn’t stay because she was going up to his family’s house for the holiday. OMG. Granny was not pleased. The secondhand information I received later in the evening after I showed up late was this…
You Better Shut Your Mouth!
Grandma told my poor sweet innocent loved cousin that it was okay, she didn’t need to be there because Donna was coming, and Donna is her favorite anyways. Awe. Thank you, grandma. I love you too. That is the sweetest thing anyone could ever say even if it is said in spite and senility. And as all of the family gathered and was wanting to start to eat, grandma wouldn’t let anyone get any food until Donna got there. UGH! I was twenty minutes late, I think. Damn it. Boy did I get hit with the eye daggers.
Some Things Never Change.
It has been twenty-five years since I was late to dinner, and I am still not forgiven for my grandmother hurting my cousin’s feelings. I don’t get invited to baby showers, weddings, graduation parties, or anything else. Not even Christmas eve. I see them all on Facebook and they don’t even look like my family. They blamed me for the way they felt about my grandma and what my grandma said to my cousin. They didn’t even see that they treated me that way my whole life and that grandma was the only adult that ever showed me any love ever. They never hugged me, kissed me. Said they were glad to see me. Asked me to lunch? hell no. Stop.
You’re So Vein, You Probably Don’t Think This is About You.
I wish someone would have taught me how to act in a normal appropriate way. I wanted friends my whole life. I still do and I still don’t have them. I realize now that I have a ridged personality. I see things in black and white and have a hard time compromising. I am unable to lie, not even white lie, which can make friendships very strained. Gift receiving becomes very uncomfortable. I still will tell anyone who gives me something if I don’t like it. It is the frugalness in me. If I don’t like it, I don’t want it to go to waste. I need to give it away. I share my real opinions. My high standards that I hold for myself makes others feel uncomfortable. Even my mental health I need to push it. I have a psychiatrist, therapist, mental health coach and a mental health guide. Seriously. And this blog to puke all of my angst out on and hope that one of the people that hurt me will read it and feel my pain and help me carry my trauma.
Hey You! Catch!
Please, if you have the capacity, if you have the space, say kind things to people. If the lady at work is being a real bitch, ask her if you can grab her a coffee or a soda. Or maybe even ask her if you can help her with anything. It might make her go home and feed her kids instead of going to the bar after work. You don’t know how your kindness will affect three people down the road. I can tell you that a rude unthoughtful mean spiteful cruel word will make someone want to hurt themselves or someone else. No matter how small it is. It can be the last straw. If you have a free hand help someone carry that trauma. Peace and love. The World Kindness Movement
