My Damage has a First Name…

Depersonalisation disorder is characterised by feeling detached from one’s life, thoughts and feelings. People with this type of disorder say they feel distant and emotionally unconnected to themselves, as if they are watching a character in a boring movie.

Other typical symptoms include problems with concentration and memory. The person may report feeling ‘spacey’ or out of control. Time may slow down. They may perceive their body to be a different shape or size than usual; in severe cases, they cannot recognize themselves in a mirror. A loss of connection between thoughts, memories, feelings, surroundings, behavior.

Dissociative disorders usually arise as a reaction to shocking, distressing or painful events and help push away difficult memories.-Dissociative disorders – NHS (www.nhs.uk)

I asked GOOGLE what causes c-PTSD and this was the top result

What causes complex PTSD?

• childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment.
• ongoing domestic violence or abuse.
• repeatedly witnessing violence or abuse.
• being forced or manipulated into prostitution (trading sex)
• torture, kidnapping or slavery.
• being a prisoner of war.

Mine was the first bullet. Mostly neglect, and a whole hell of a lot of fear. My mom scared the shit out of me. We will get more into that later. Also includes chronic long-term trauma. Mental. That was me. Mental Trauma.

For me, this was caused from as I was growing and developing, my body was releasing too much cortisol which didn’t allow my brain to develop properly. My brain isn’t able to process the sounds it hears as fast as they come in. This is considered a learning disability because it is harder for me to learn by hearing. This explains too much for me. As a child I remember being labeled LD. When I was in the LD room, they would send me back to class and say that I am very intelligent. In class, I would not hear anything the teacher said, and I would get terrible grades. Once I got older and didn’t have to rely so much on teacher instruction, school became significantly easier for me.

Not sure why, but I smell cigarette smoke most of the time. Especially when I am stressed. It is something that is supposed to be temporary, but I am defying all of the odds on this one. I have had this for 20 years. I do not have a brain tumor, at least not according to my last brain scan.